ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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