Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
