Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
