just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
