Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Another day, another engagement, another cat
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
