how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
