And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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