Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
