Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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