when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
