Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
