i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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