Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
