ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
