It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
