when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
