i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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