BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
