Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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