some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
