please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
