Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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