I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
