I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
