you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
