after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
