Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
