Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
