I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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