Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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