she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize
