life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
