Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
