ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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