listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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