so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
