It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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