onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
