Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
