Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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