he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
