The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
