I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
