Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
