On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Randomize
