I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
