Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
