alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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