Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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