he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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