uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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